Trying

He's really trying.  I'm glad to see it, because I do love him.  I wouldn't have married him if I didn't.

My only concern is whether he'll keep trying if we stay together and hope to make it work.

Tomorrow is another day.  We'll wake up together, we'll eat breakfast, and we'll keep working on our gameplan.

It can't be healthy to spend so much time being angry

I don't know whether I'd rather throw myself off a bridge or throw my husband in front of a bus. I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that this marriage thing seems to be way beyond him.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot get through to him that this thing is totally on it's way out unless we do something really fucking drastic.
There are numerous issues, of course. We both feel that the distributiuon of household chores is unfair (he thinks the kitchen is always a mess, I think if he isn't going to cook the least he can do it clean). There are all the regular stupid married people issues. Of course, the greatest of these is money.
We've got about $17k in debt racked up that we need to pay off. Our highest interest credit card only has a balance of $1600, so I offered to take the meager $300 in my savings account and put it on that balance. I figured if I could pay off 20% of it in one fell swoop, we might be able to get that one paid off in just over a month and cancel it.
It seemed like the perfect solution. Have that once card gone. Cancelled. Paid off and forgotten. It would be something that we would have accomplished together that would keep us inspired to keep going.
I spent the WHOLE morning crunching numbers trying to figure out how to dig us out of this hole and guess how he ends the conversation?
"I think I'm going to have to splurge and by myself a new monitor"

I am writing this post from his computer. I am reading it ON HIS MONITOR which works fucking FINE.

Leaving

I told my husband I'm leaving him last night.  

I find it so surreal that this marriage has failed so early on.  Yet at the same time I'm mad at myself for not calling off the wedding when I knew I should have. Nine months.  We barely lasted nine months. 

He is too young.  He needs a few years to just live for himself, because that's all he knows how to do.  He doesn't know how to be a husband.  He doesn't want to learn.  I am merely another pet, like our cat.  Something he can ignore for hours on end, then come upstairs and pat on the head.  Then leave again.

This isn't the life I want for myself and I think I'm doing a disservice to us both by staying.  

I will complete school.   I will get certified.  I will get a good job and I will leave.   

In six months, it's all over.

I blame hormones

I have been having dreams lately.  The kind of dreams that cause you to make animal noises in your sleep and wake up with a pounding heart and sweaty palms.  The kind that make you need to go take a very long cold shower.

I love activities that are typically considered to be masculine.  I love when women do these activities.  I like feeling strong and powerful; it makes me feel sexy.  This is one of many reasons why I box for fun and weld in school.

I have been having dreams about the boxing gym and welding building that are positively wicked.  They are the most amazing dreams ever and they are laid down to a soundtrack of songs that I haven't heard in years.  I'm currently compiling these songs into what will be the most dangerous playlist on my ipod.  I must not listen to it while I'm driving...